OK, today we'll do some analysis on rock/metal videos. If you think that these videos only show some scary guys shaking their heads up and down - you're totally wrong. Sure, most of them include a pack of scary guys shaking their heads up and down, but the different genres mean a totally different pack of scary guys shaking their heads up and down. What should we start with? Well, let's start with rock.
Classic rock
OK, nothing fancy here. These videos basically represent the band playing the song. Nothing interesting, actually. No one even shakes their head up and down. I mean, what are you doing guys - the whole rock 'n' roll thing is about shaking your head up and down, right? Are you rockers or what? Don't make me invent the time machine just to come in your time and learn you how to bang your heads - it's a pretty straightforward process - head up, head down, head up, head down... So, learn how to properly shake your heads, while we move onto the next videos.
Hair/glam rock/metal
There are two types of these videos - the sex/drinks/drugs/rebellion songs, and the sex/drinks/drugs/rebellion ballads. The ballads usually revolve around the vocalist guy sitting somewhere, the other guys playing around him, and, most importantly - the vocalist guy looking, sad and heart-sick. Oh, and not looking gay. You could actually include some other shit happening, but it's not necessary, since the fans watch these videos only to see the vocalist guy not looking gay. This is a crucial part, because on the the sex/drinks/drugs/rebellion songs the vocalist guy should look gay - and I mean very gay. And if you can make the other band members look gay too, then you're doing some high-quality video, that will probably be a cult for future generations. The message is this: "Kids, be gay when you want to get drunk and high, while running away from home to score some chicks. Chicks absolutely LOVE to be scored by wasted gay runaway kids, so, go for it!"
Heavy metal
With heavy metal, we're almost there. Here we have a pack of scary guys (advice - everything that is not leather is not worth to wear. And read my lips: ARTIFICIAL. WON'T. DO.). Here you'll see that the guys' fists are always clenched, and doing menacing gestures. How they manage to do that while playing their instruments is beyond question - it's HEAVY METAL! They are TRUE! They play loud, scream loud, talk loud, fuck girls loud and, when they shit, they do it the loudest way they can. Videos should include (besides the scary safari-dressed guys, with threatening looks and fists) any combination of the following: bikes, whores, fires, some more whores, swords, maybe some ruins on fire, some posers getting beaten down and some semi-naked girls. If it doesn't have one or more of these elements - they you know it's not true-power-steel-heavy metal. It's some poser bullshit. Here's an example of a fan video, that is even better than the original.Manowar - you're losing it! Be more true-power-steel-heavy metal, for Christ's sake!
Black metal
And NOW we're talking!!! Let's summarize - first, we have some really, really, REALLY scary guys, who somehow manage to wear make-up and not look gay (ok, that is debatable, but for the sake of this article lets at least pretend it's this way) ! Second, they are playing in a forest, making their unplugged electric guitars sound JUST LIKE a goodol ' plugged electric guitar. Third, they scream like hell. And guess about what they scream - that's right - they scream about hell! Last, but not least - they shake their heads not only up and down, but also from left to right!!! I mean, how more metal can you get?!?! Only a Virgin Mary-fucking, Christ-denying, church-igniting, true Norwegian brain could device such a pure genius. I can't bear to talk about it anymore, I just have to watch this videos. Multiple times. Masturbating.
Classic rock
OK, nothing fancy here. These videos basically represent the band playing the song. Nothing interesting, actually. No one even shakes their head up and down. I mean, what are you doing guys - the whole rock 'n' roll thing is about shaking your head up and down, right? Are you rockers or what? Don't make me invent the time machine just to come in your time and learn you how to bang your heads - it's a pretty straightforward process - head up, head down, head up, head down... So, learn how to properly shake your heads, while we move onto the next videos.
Hard rock
Ah, it gets more interesting here. A bunch of big-haired guys, maybe some big-haired women, a lot of posing around and finally, some high-quality head banging. By the way, I really, really, REALLY can't stress how important it is for young bands to watch hard rock videos. It's a fucking gold mine - you will learn all the posing techniques - the mic-stand acrobatics, the drummer tricks, and, most important - how to play your guitar while jumping, kneeling, somersaulting, taking a piss, fighting, dancing to DJBobo , stage-diving, eating, and being in a coma. So, don't sit around reading bullshit - go watch some hard rock videos and start posing like a true rocker.
Ah, it gets more interesting here. A bunch of big-haired guys, maybe some big-haired women, a lot of posing around and finally, some high-quality head banging. By the way, I really, really, REALLY can't stress how important it is for young bands to watch hard rock videos. It's a fucking gold mine - you will learn all the posing techniques - the mic-stand acrobatics, the drummer tricks, and, most important - how to play your guitar while jumping, kneeling, somersaulting, taking a piss, fighting, dancing to DJBobo , stage-diving, eating, and being in a coma. So, don't sit around reading bullshit - go watch some hard rock videos and start posing like a true rocker.
Hair/glam rock/metal
There are two types of these videos - the sex/drinks/drugs/rebellion songs, and the sex/drinks/drugs/rebellion ballads. The ballads usually revolve around the vocalist guy sitting somewhere, the other guys playing around him, and, most importantly - the vocalist guy looking, sad and heart-sick. Oh, and not looking gay. You could actually include some other shit happening, but it's not necessary, since the fans watch these videos only to see the vocalist guy not looking gay. This is a crucial part, because on the the sex/drinks/drugs/rebellion songs the vocalist guy should look gay - and I mean very gay. And if you can make the other band members look gay too, then you're doing some high-quality video, that will probably be a cult for future generations. The message is this: "Kids, be gay when you want to get drunk and high, while running away from home to score some chicks. Chicks absolutely LOVE to be scored by wasted gay runaway kids, so, go for it!"
Heavy metal
With heavy metal, we're almost there. Here we have a pack of scary guys (advice - everything that is not leather is not worth to wear. And read my lips: ARTIFICIAL. WON'T. DO.). Here you'll see that the guys' fists are always clenched, and doing menacing gestures. How they manage to do that while playing their instruments is beyond question - it's HEAVY METAL! They are TRUE! They play loud, scream loud, talk loud, fuck girls loud and, when they shit, they do it the loudest way they can. Videos should include (besides the scary safari-dressed guys, with threatening looks and fists) any combination of the following: bikes, whores, fires, some more whores, swords, maybe some ruins on fire, some posers getting beaten down and some semi-naked girls. If it doesn't have one or more of these elements - they you know it's not true-power-steel-heavy metal. It's some poser bullshit. Here's an example of a fan video, that is even better than the original.Manowar - you're losing it! Be more true-power-steel-heavy metal, for Christ's sake!
Black metal
And NOW we're talking!!! Let's summarize - first, we have some really, really, REALLY scary guys, who somehow manage to wear make-up and not look gay (ok, that is debatable, but for the sake of this article lets at least pretend it's this way) ! Second, they are playing in a forest, making their unplugged electric guitars sound JUST LIKE a goodol ' plugged electric guitar. Third, they scream like hell. And guess about what they scream - that's right - they scream about hell! Last, but not least - they shake their heads not only up and down, but also from left to right!!! I mean, how more metal can you get?!?! Only a Virgin Mary-fucking, Christ-denying, church-igniting, true Norwegian brain could device such a pure genius. I can't bear to talk about it anymore, I just have to watch this videos. Multiple times. Masturbating.
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